Groundhog’s Day

For the last 6-7 years I have been waking up every morning and diving head first, full-force into the day. Everyday I do whatever I can to better my life, my husbands life, and my marriage. Everyday I find ways to encourage and support those around me. Everyday I pray that maybe this will be the day that the sun will shine on us and the gray cloud hanging over our heads will move away. And everyday I go to bed feeling defeated.

People always say that as long as you’re doing what you love, you’ll be happy… but what if outside forces are keeping you from doing what you love?!?!? What if you have made every effort to better your life by giving to others, gaining a better education, raising yourself up with devotion, and every effort is met with a brick wall? What do you do then? Keep waking up to the same thing day after day and going to bed every night heartbroken?

My amazing, intelligent, passionate husband has been trying for the last 6 years to do what he loves, teaching social studies. He has been met with a year and a half of rejection, heartache, self-doubt, and despair. When he’s not happy, I’m not happy, and when I’m not happy, he’s not happy. I hate that he is beating himself up for things that are out of his control and I hate that the universe doesn’t recognize what an amazing human he is.

No disrespect, but the “hang in there”, “something will come up”, “keep at it”, and “there’s something out there for you” comments are nothing but a reminder that for the last 6 years he has been playing by all the rules to make a better life for himself and us, and losing this game of life. He/we have been hearing those same comments over and over and over again, and they don’t help. If that were the case, then after 6 years something would have come along to enhance our lives. Instead we are met with more and more obstacles that challenge our spirit, and everyday it’s getting harder to keep pushing along when all we’re doing is spinning our wheels.

So forgive me if my smile isn’t as big, my head is held a little lower, and my spirit is not up, but I’m feeling a little broken right now and I just don’t have the fight in me.